Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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