I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
