I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
