I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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