Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
