I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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