We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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