I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
