The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
as a side note pls kill me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
