Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
