just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
