dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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