My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
