I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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