woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
