There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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