its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
