I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
