i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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