youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
