Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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