Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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