I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She bit a glass in half.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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