my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
