I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
