you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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