I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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