If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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