One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
