... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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