The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
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Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
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When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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