so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
