My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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