I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
