I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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