Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
