I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
