yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
