you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
