As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize