I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
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