hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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