did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
