You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
