it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
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Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I need a beard to bite.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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