so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
