the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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