If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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