seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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