Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
