I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
