I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
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It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
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The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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