I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
