just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
In other news, I just burned my penis
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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