youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
