She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
